

Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.

Oct 10, 1983
Oliver and Simon have re-entered their partnership. They decide to do a stocktake. Oliver meets up with an old school friend, Bethan. Confusion ensues over a fake watch and a "pair" of candlesticks.

Oct 17, 1983
Simon receives an offer for his shop. Oliver thinks that Ringo has won the pools and breaks his partnership with Simon, offering Ringo a partnership. However, thinks are not what they seem for either man.

Oct 24, 1983
Both Simon and Oliver believe that they have appointments to meet Lady Deveraux with a view to purchasing some of her antiques.

Oct 31, 1983
Oliver and Simon discuss the issue of grandchildren. David claims to have had a vasectomy. Oliver and Simon join a dating agency as an alternative route to continuing their family lines.

Nov 7, 1983
Simon and Oliver go on a health kick. An auction in Wales causes disagreement between the two men.

Nov 14, 1983
Simon and Oliver are invited as guests onto a radio show. The two men become convinced that Lyn is pregnant.